Guide to Bondage 101

guide to bondage

 

I’ve been umming about writing a ‘how to‘ type post on bondage, I wasn’t sure if it would be of any use.  Mainly because I’m not 110% out there in the scene and prefer to keep certain aspects more private but then I realized that that wasn’t the issue, it’s confidence that is my issue.

There are many guides available from other bloggers, so why bother writing my version?  Because it’s my version and no other, it makes this a little bit more unique in a sense.  I am writing about the ways I would pass over advice, not what is written is some Cosmopolitan article or daily paper, this is me!

To many, bondage or BDSM is a way of life, to others it is something only partaken in the bedroom.  But there are a few things that both versions have in common and that is Respect and Communication. There was a time, many moons ago, that I thought BDSM involved a bit of tough ‘love’, so to speak.  I shall give you a terrible example and I know you will be cringing:

I had met this guy a few times and I was finding my way into the bondage style of sexuality.  He was saying (or what I thought were) the right words, telling me how he would pin me down and spank me.  But when we got to it, it was his way or no way and I had no say at all.   At random times he would slap my arse and expect me to say something mundane in reply and if I didn’t, he would pull my hair and told me “I own you bitch, remember that”.

After fucking, I scurried off to his bathroom and tidied myself up.  I was holding back small tears, tears that I had never felt before and I knew this wasn’t right,  I felt no excitement or satisfaction, I felt ashamed! So I made my excuse and left, never to contact him again.  It was that evening that I made a promise to myself to research what BDSM was all about because I knew damn well, it wasn’t what had just happened.

My journey began and I have never looked back, so I hope that my advice may help others avoid that gingering moment I had go go through.

 

 

  • Communication is the key!

You need to talk, set out what you both want, what you both like and do not.   Clarify what desires you both have, you don’t want to find yourselves both in a position of unease.  Be open and honest about what you will do, want to do, will try and will definitely not do.

Once you are agreed on what can be approached and what can not be, set out a safe word or a physical action that will stop whatever either of you are doing.  Maybe you are into asphyxiation but he squeezes a bit too hard, you can’t talk so maybe agree on the action that you slap the bed 3 times or you tug his ear lobe.  You don’t have to use these examples but think of something that you both will easily remember right in that moment.

Tailor to each-others needs.

  • R.E.S.P.E.C.T

YES! Sing it to the hills like Ms Aretha!

All I’m asking is for a little respect

But she isn’t wrong, in fact Aretha preaches what everyone should be doing in life.

You do need respect in the BDSM world, you need to respect your partner and yourself.  It’s a way of treating someone, you do not violate them in any form and you show them admiration, courtesy and consideration.  Without respect in the BDSM community, there is no honor.  It is what differs BSDM from consent to abuse.  Yes that’s a very harsh way of looking at it but what is a sexual act without one’s consent……………think about it.

Respect is one of the key values that kinksters have and hold up high, without respect then there is no trust and if there is no trust, like an every day relationship, there is no relationship full stop!

First and foremost, respect yourself.  Look after yourself, find out what your body and mind enjoy and if you are on your journey into bondage, listen to others.  Secondly, respect others, be it within the community or your partner.  Listen, learn, take on board and communicate.  I don’t need to like your kinks to respect you or your style of play but I will hold my manners when discussing related topics.  How would you put this into a Bondage relationship?  It’s all about good communication and mutual respect.

If your partner has no respect for you or what your likes are, I would walk away and find someone more fitting to your scene.

  • Be prepared

You’ve just watched 50 Shades of Grey and think the spanking scenes are hot, so you give it a try!  You’re waiting for those sensual rippling strokes to ride your body like a Hawaiian surf but then reality strikes and you seize up, recoil into a lesser attractive position than 30 seconds ago.

Be prepared for experiences to throw you off, be prepared to not actually like something that you thought you might have liked and be honest about it.

Always have a ‘get out option’: be it a safe word or a spare key set to your restraints/hand cuffs or chastity cages.  Just don’t find yourself in an awkward position because you had not adequately prepped.  And yes, most of us have been in that position, once or twice!

  • Safety

I may sound like I am repeating myself but safety is number one!  Always give consent to your partner, make it clear and if you do not consent, then make that clear too.  If things become uncomfortable and they are not listening, then put your safety first and leave the situation.

Let’s go back to communication: What’s a safe word?  It’s a word that is said and once said, orders a rapid release to whatever activity you are partaking in.   I talk about consent but there is a consensual non-consent to (don’t mix these two up).  Consensual non-consent is when (for example), your lady is in a whole heap of sanctification and throwing out phrases like “Please stop” or “It’s hurting now, please stop” (as before, communicate this prior to your activities that this is consensual).    When would you use your safe word?  When you aren’t feeling ‘safe’ or no longer enjoying the activity.

Many people use the traffic light strategy:

Red – Immediate stop

Amber – Not happy, let’s stop and discuss this

Green – Every thing is OK, carry on

  • Want to meet?

Would you like to meet other like-minded people?  There are plenty of options available for you but first establish whether you want to keep it private or public, as such.  If private, then there are forums based on fetish and BDSM communities, even certain websites entertain meets such as this.

But if you would like to meet people (public) and take your fetishism and kinks into the big wide world, there are forums and websites for such things.  You can meet up with people as a group, have a chat and a coffee with no sexual stuff involved, this is called a ‘munch’ or you can attend fetish clubs.  Try a web-search of these things “Local Fetish clubs”, “swinger clubs”, “local BDSM munch” or you could join a forum based site called Fetlife.com (it’s like a kinkier facebook).

  • Are sex toys relevant?

No as such.  You do not need a sex toy to enjoy your BDSM passion but it can add heights to your play.

If you’re a Domme, would it give you more of that power feeling if you were holding a cool-steel cat-o-nine tails in your hand?  I bet it would, it’s the effect that the certain tool has for that moment.

You could tease your submissive by using sensory deprivation hood or ball gag.

Sensory deprivation is a good tool between a D/S relationship, it gives the Dom/Domme full control over what the Sub sees/hears and feels but you don’t need to spend massive bucks for this, you could simply use a tie or bed sheet.  Remember to cut out a breathing hole though, if you use a sheet!

One thing I have not ventured into fully is restraints via ropes.  It’s an actual art form and something I never really took an interest in, due to a lack of understanding, until I delved feet first into the bondage world.  You can restrain someone with rope and you can suspend them, it truly is a beautiful art.  It’s called Shibari and derives from the Japanese form of rope bondage.  Pop on over to Anatomie Studio‘s twitter account and flick through their photo of the latest Shibari lessons, very spectacular if I do say so.

In the D/S world, a submissive wearing a collar is a sign of ownership and respect but is it just a collar?  It doesn’t have to be.  I know a male sub who, in every day life, wears a ring on his right hand middle finger which is his ‘collar‘ for his Domme.  There are many different aspects to this, than what is written on the surface.  Have fun with it, see what you can come up with.

 

 

All in all, enjoy yourself.  The BDSM lifestyle should be one of excitement and fulfillment and when you are around the right people, this will be an abundance.

 

 

Leave a Reply